Category Archives: Jesus

He put a new song in my mouth and a crown upon my head

… He gave me life forever more.

A worship leader in my church wrote a song to this piece of Scripture and earlier this week I shared it with another person as encouragement from God. It really spoke to them at the time and now as I sit to write about recent things God is doing in my life, it really speaks to me.

First, I want to say how good, and wonderful, and (duh) true truth is. A revelation, I know. It blows my mind that God gave us His TRUTH in this book called the Bible and it is never false. It is never out-of-date, and it is never irrelevant. The best part is that it could be read inside and out and serve a multitude of purposes one year, then be read the same way the next year and address a whole new series of things and continue to grow someone in their faith. Year after year after year. Amazing.

Second, Satan’s guilt is heavy. Not heavy enough to ever overcome God’s truth, but certainly heavy enough to cause plenty of destruction and put up a damn good fight.

Last night this was blatantly apparent. For the last two months I’ve had the privilege to be a part of a Truth study with the high school girls at my church. We’ve been going through the book Lies Young Women Believe… and the truth that sets them free. Initially I thought this book would be flaky or irrelevant to me. WRONG. God’s Truth is never irrelevant. Last night’s meeting was on the topic of guys and lies we believe about them (I can almost hear EVERY female reading this exhale a large sigh of understanding…!)

Lots of people shared their experiences and mistakes and we talked about God’s forgiveness. However one thing became quite apparent during ministry time with one another. We know that God forgives us, but we have to forgive ourselves!! It is not enough to know that God forgives us if we don’t truly feel forgiven. We have to take the next step and understand why we must forgive ourselves… because of what Jesus did for us on the cross. If we were fully able to wrap our minds around the reality of what that means we would not be able to hold ourselves in contempt.

I don’t think this situation could have been more true for me. I have  sexual brokenness that I am not even able to begin to write about. I’m just beginning my journey. Last night as I was receiving prayer I could feel the battle between light and darkness. The most beautiful and true part was that Jesus reminded me that He has cast my sin as far as the East is from the West. That HE no longer keeps count of it. It is erased in His eyes.

The ugly part was that because I am not yet able to forgive myself (although I do feel God has forgiven me), Satan was able to put a wrench in that little crack and fill it with guilt. Earlier that day I had painted my toes for the first time in months: a perfect baby doll pink. And as I looked down at my freshly painted girly toes, guilt came into mind:

“You don’t deserve to have sweet, innocent colors on your toes. You are not Daddy’s little girl. You are not Jesus’ little girl. You don’t deserve to feel like a beautiful princess.”

Someone wanna argue and say that was from the Lord? I think not. The Enemy took a seriously low blow and was playing on my guilt. On that crack that I still have. Which I believe many girls have.

But here’s the Good News… Jesus doesn’t want to just fill in our cracks. If we will let Him, He wants to open up our wounds that have healed up okay and clean them out. He wants to remove any trace of yuck that is preventing the wound from healing perfectly. Then He wants to seal the deal, leaving no scars, no trace of imperfection. He wants to make us new.

 That’s what He shared with me last night and I think it totally trumps Satan’s plan. He came to me sweetly and lovingly and said, “Jenn, I know this is going to hurt and I know you’re scared but I want you to trust me. I want to reopen this wound you’ve had for so long that never got cleaned out properly. It is not going to be easy and it might take much longer than you’d anticipated but it’s my plan for you and it’s going to be so good.”

There is a big difference between forgiveness and healing. God has forgiven my sin but that doesn’t mean it’s healed. I’m totally exhausted but I know it’s time to start the healing process. So today I have a new song in my mouth because He puts a crown upon my head even when I’m a sinner and feel undeserving. He loves me and treats me lavishly when the things I’ve done are hideous in His eyes. He gives me reason to sing, He crowns me a princess and His little girl, and He gives me LIFE forevermore.

Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Realizations

My name is Jenn and I am 21 years old.

I live in an apartment complex that advertises “Senior Discount” as a perk of living here.

I think they should advertise the fact that there are cockroaches that swarm the back lot every night and if they were larger we could say they were “guard animals.”

I used to stay up late and loved to go “out” and live a “glamorous” lifestyle.

Now my favorite part of the day is coming home to see my cat and taking my pants off.

I used to be really exciting, outgoing, and fun.

These days I’m pretty boring, and like to keep things low key.

Not long ago I thought I was moving to New York City to focus on myself and become a famous actress.

These days I find myself making the 30 minute drive almost daily to my hometown. I can’t seem to get away from it. Additionally, while I’m learning much about myself, I pray for a lifetime of humble service to others.

I used to have a lot of friends, and then I had no friends, and now I fall somewhere in between with a few great people I can almost always rely on.

I used to love big cities, nightlife,and crowds of people.

These days they overwhelm me and I enjoy weekend trips in the country.

I used to think I wouldn’t even get married until I was 30+ and would probably just marry a man for money.

Today is my 2.5 year dating anniversary with the love of my life and I can’t wait until we decide to make a life-long commitment to eachother.

I used to wake up hours early to shower, shave, exfoliate, apply full make up, and style my hair.

Sometimes I don’t remember when I last showered or washed my hair and consider it a “good day” when I don’t have to wear makeup!

I used to be in a really unhealthy dating relationship(s).

The boy I’m in love with does his best to love me like Jesus– with grace, forgiveness, and even gifts from the heart when I feel undeserving.

I used to love meat.

Now I’m a vegetarian.

I used to want to travel somewhere glamorous and romantic like France.

This past March I went to the Kingdom of Swaziland to serve HIV/AIDS orphans…. but I fell in love there too.

I used to think God was far off and distant.

Yesterday I saw myself dancing with Jesus in my mind’s eye.

I used to feel pretty alone even though I was surrounded by people and had lots of “friends.”

This summer I have been brought to tears by the community that surrounds me and the people who have invested in me.

I can’t wait for more realizations : )

Music, good music, is good for the soul.

I woke up this morning and blogged a huge blog but had to leave for church and couldn’t finish it. It’s amazing how by the end of the day so much changes. I don’t even feel like posting it because I think it’s stupid. Or maybe it was just meant for me to blog and keep as a draft. Just a mental process.

Tonight was my first time back at Joshua House in a realllllllly long time. Like, I don’t remember the last time I was there because so much happened leading up to Swaziland that I couldn’t ever make it. I was kind of lukewarm about going because sometimes I feel like it tends to be more of a show and that was the last thing I wanted after spending a week in a third-world country. I walked in a few minutes late… to them playing my favorite song right now! The lyrics at the top of my blog actually belong to the song– “Your Love Never Fails.” This was really cool because I’m pretty sure they’ve rarely, if ever, played that song before. It was like I was being welcomed back. I immediately just had to worship. God knows me so well. He knows me better than I’ll ever know myself.

But it gets even better! Not that the service was outstanding or anything, but it’s amazing how much better it is when you are intentional about being there. Being intentional about prayer and about taking notes and about the words that I’m singing just totally made the service. I guess I didn’t understand that I wasn’t being as intentional before. Or maybe I wasn’t able to feel this way until I came back from Swaziland and had experienced things to be intentional about.

Tonight I’ve been really anxious. There’s just a lot coming up in the…. well, I would say next few weeks but there’s just a lot coming up in my life! Haha. I’m really trying to give everything over to God. I was sitting here trying to wrap my head around it all and I just gave up. I turned on some worship music–which I haven’t done in a long time!– And have just been blogging out my thoughts and letting Him consume me. It’s so much better this way. I could literally drive myself crazy and the crazy thing is I don’t have to! I don’t ever have to worry about anything (not saying that I won’t!) but I don’t HAVE to because Jesus went before me. He went before me and He’s with me and He follows after me. Either way I look at it, I’m covered.

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What songs really speak to you? What can you just turn on and listen to and feel completely at peace?