From my perspective, it feels a lot like it looks in those predictable romantic comedies. I’m driving through my small hometown late at night. Windows of course are down, and I just happen to be blaring Taylor Swift from my speakers. During the day I would be mortified if someone I wanted to impress witnessed one of these episodes. But, it’s late, I’m already feeling a little moody, and I’ve decided I just don’t give a damn. I am unashamedly dancing in the driver’s seat and singing along at the top of my lungs. I laugh. It feels good to pretend I’m a teenager again. It’s therapeutic. I glance over, while I’m waiting at the red light, to see if anyone I know is at the local coffee shop. My eyes scan the windowed-wall that runs the length of the place. I focus in on a face that’s all too familiar to me. A face I once associated myself with. A face that brought reassurance to my fears. I would know this face anywhere and yet it feels disconnected from me, as if it reinvented itself while I was away. These days it seems the face is always wearing white. A contrast from much darker colors it previously donned. This face is leaning across the counter, smiling and conversing with another face that represents mine. The face smiles back. Everything is in slow motion. Something inside me shifts. Do you know that I see you?– the light changes to green. I turn my car to point away from downtown. Life begins to play again in normal time and Taylor Swift’s lyrics that were playing become apparent to me.
“I used to think one day we’d tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say, “They’re the lucky ones.”
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I’m searching the room for an empty seat,
‘Cause lately I don’t even know what page you’re on.
Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can’t break through.
Now I’m standing alone in a crowded room and we’re not speaking,
And I’m dying to know is it killing you like it’s killing me, yeah?
I don’t know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.“
Did that really just happen? Are profound words being spoken to me through a Taylor Swift song? Or was that just a coincidence? “Please don’t let Taylor Swift be profound right now…”
I lean my foot just a little bit more into the gas pedal and evaluate how I’m feeling. There are no tears. There definitely could be but there are not. I classify this under the “making progress” category. Something inside me definitely shifted. Jealousy? After all it is 10:15pm on a Friday night and I’m driving home by myself from a teen girls event at a local church… listening to Taylor Swift. Jealousy is quite logical at this point. Will that shift always be there or do you grow out of it? Learn to live around it? There’s not much emotion really. I just lock up. I classify this under “that’s not good”. I am an emotional person and considering nothing has been resolved in this situation I should be feeling MUCH more.
But I won’t let myself. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. We were supposed to talk. We were supposed to solve. God was supposed to make it all new again. But he hasn’t and I find myself wondering if He will at all. I haven’t gotten around to letting myself “feel”. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know where I stand at all. I do know that the longer you smile at that face that’s smiling back at you, the longer I close myself off to processing. The little girl in me believes that if our relationship was of high importance to you, your actions would reflect that sentiment. I am afraid to ask you to do this because I believe, at this point, I might be wasting your time. I’ve been reorienting myself each day with what life looks like without you by my side. Whether or not I was when I started doing this, I have made myself okay with this because it was my only choice. Is Taylor Swift right? Does this all just fall under a tragedy now?
I think about texting you. Something snarky. Something obvious. Something that stirs up all the dust that’s settled. Something that passive aggressively let’s you know just how I’m feeling. But I don’t. I don’t even reach for my phone. I exercise self-control. I practice letting you go all over again. I keep driving. I shake it off and try to be hopeful for better things to come.
If it weren’t for this post you would never have known all that was happening during that red light while you were looking into the eyes of someone else. You don’t know what you don’t know (more Taylor lyrics). Mind you, this post is wholly written for myself… undoubtedly though, you will read it.
My friends say I need to process. I need to know how I actually feel. We need to resolve things before it’s too late. Tonight I just don’t want to and I wonder if maybe it already is.