Category Archives: Apartment

New Couch.

This is probably the flakiest post I could produce with all the crazy emotions (or lack thereof) going on in my life right now, but sometimes we all need a little flake, ya know?

I found this vintage couch on Craigslist yesterday afternoon on a whim and a few hours later it was in my living room! (Thanks to a very wonderful boyfriend who has really big muscles ahem ahem) Not to mention the couple I got it from was really cool and CLEAN! Yay!

The picture above really doesn’t do it justice so here’s a few more up close…

I guess Panger Bon likes it too.

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In between.

The title of this post pretty much sums up everything in my life right now, but I guess for length-of-post’s-sake I could elaborate a little.

I have been in my new apartment for about a week now and it’s finally starting to register. I’m in between being lonely and enjoying the solitude. The state of my apartment is in between since about 3/4 of it is finished being put away and decorated. However I have no living room furniture so I spend any free time laying on my floor looking out my balcony window.

My schedule and routine is all kinds of messed up and in between. If I would have moved before this quarter started this part could have just been classified “change,” but since I moved the 2nd week into the quarter, some things like classes stayed the same, but my commute has been slightly altered. I have to do everything about a half hour earlier and I’m in the in between of getting that schedule down. Same goes for my studying, but it’s in much worse of a state and for right now, I’d rather not talk about that.

I don’t have internet yet so anything (cough: homework, taxes, bills) that requires me some WiFi is also in an in between state. Bad news. I’m in between taking old routes relative to my old apartment and exploring the digs of my new one. I’m in between relationships with everyone. I have tons of things initiated and tons of catching up to do but no follow through… yet. Heavy emphasis on the large pile of thank-you’s that need written and sent out for all of my support money to Swaziland.

I’m in between social worlds. Part of me is still in Africa-mode: declaring rules to visitors in my apartment like “If it’s yellow, let it mellow” in an effort to save… what? My water supply and those in Africa who don’t have water…? Because that makes logical sense. I’m in between want and guilt when buying things that I “need” in my apartment but technically don’t need. Like a collander. Or a pizza cutter. I need it to drain my pasta, I need one to cut my pizza, but do I really NEED it? No. But….?

And I have certainly no idea how to handle social events yet. Last night I want to a concert with David and Marissa and was really confused about the whole “process” of it. Wearing a cute outfit, buying a new accessory, wearing MAKEUP AGAIN whhaaaat!, and just all the social drama in general. I felt a little bit like an imposter. Because let’s be honest, nothing about my appearance had an effect on my enjoyment of the concert. Rude attitudes about who’s standing in who’s spot are really just trivial and spread hate. Why can’t we just all hold hands and sing kumbiyah until the artist comes out anyways? We should give hugs instead of shoves! I guess I’m just having a hard time being entirely here and in the moment. For example, everyone around me last night seemed so focused on the concert, the beer, the drama, what’s going on in Columbus, OH.

All I could think about was how Veli, Cemphilo, Sanele, Simonga, Pundihle, and Mxolisi would have loved something like that. How badly I want to bring Pilo to America to hang out and show him around! I’m torn between trying to fit in here but not get lost in it all. Trying to maintain home and my experiences is difficult.

Most pressingly on the “In Between Scale” that is currently my life… is my relationship with God. SO in between. Mentally I’m craving time alone with Him and reading my Bible. Mentally I’m crying out for “more” in my life. Mentally I’m searching for His Kingdom here. I’m still mostly in my “Africa mentality.” In actuality….. I’m doing NOTHING to further any of this. I keep thinking I’m still on this kick, post-Africa, where I was getting up early and spending time in His Word before starting my day. But I’m not. I’m deceiving myself. I really haven’t opened my Bible once in the past week. I haven’t gotten up early. When selecting my reading material to take to campus for free time, numerous times this week I have picked up His Word and “thought better of it”– exchanging it for a  I know I’m behind in. I’ve literally said out loud, “Sorry, God, I promise I’ll get back to the Bible once I’m caught up on school….” Isn’t that how it always goes? The funny thing is, I’m the promise-breaker there. That’s always the beginning of my put-God-on-hold-until-I-forget-about-Him phase. I desperately don’t want to go there but it seems inevitable right now.

I know this phase of “in-between” is only temporary, and I’m assuming its cause is the move last week and trying to get aclimated to my new surroundings. You know that love-hate relationship with this phase? Agghhh. I hate it because everything is busy, mindless, and up in the air– and all I want to do is slow down, re-fuel, and focus. I don’t even have time to feel my human emotions. And yet, (sigh), you know coming out the other end of it all means change. For me, change is good. I enjoy it. It usually satisfies, entertains, or challenges me. I’m really looking forward to coming out of this particular phase because there’s no doubt in my mind that there’s growth at the other end. A lot more understanding, a lot more clarity, a lot more peace.

Until then I have to sit tight and keep up.

Solitude. (disclaimer–profanity)

Okay, let’s just be honest.

I’m scared SHITLESS to be alone.

Please pardon my language.

In the last three weeks I have not only flown to Africa with someone I didn’t know… to spend a week and a half with 9 other Americans/Canadians I didn’t know… to go share Jesus with hundreds of Swazi men, women, and children. I then flew back to the States leaving behind my “new family” in Swaziland to feel just as alone upon returning home. And just to shake things up a little more, I decided to move out of the house I’ve been living in for the last nine months and randomly move to a one-bedroom apartment pretty far from campus in what looks and smells like an old people’s home.

And like I said above. I really hate being alone. I crave being alone when I’m around people too much, and then when I’m alone for too long I  freak out. It scares the living daylights out of me and I have no idea why I keep putting myself (conscious or not) into that situation. I’m starting to think maybe it’s not entirely me pulling this “alone” plug. I feel like God really wants to chat with me about some stuff and He knows how distractable I am. He could very well be screaming at me and I would be staring off into the distance wrapped up in my own thoughts. I really suck at letting Him in.

The last 48 hours have been miserable. My apartment creeps me out. It smells weird. I don’t like the location. Everyone I know is far away from me. So is school. It’s too expensive. I called to put utilities in my name and get internet and Lord only knows what else I signed myself up for since I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING. I guess we’ll find out when I get my bills!

I’m so used to being helpless and putting a cute smile on my face and getting other people to do things for me. That’s horrible and it’s time to grow up. Today I had to carry a microwave from my car, into the building, into the elevator, and up to my room. I was about to have a fit trying to balance holding that and getting my keys to open every stinking door. Once in the elevator I thought, “This is ridiculous and embarrassing. Who ARE you? You used to be so independent and did everything on your own. NOW look at you!”  

There’s a huge disconnect between my life now and my life about 3 years ago. Three years ago I was Miss Independent and, again pardon my language, but I got shit done. I wasn’t afraid of much, or so I thought, and I was pretty confident. But I also didn’t have Jesus in my life. Now, I have Jesus in my life, but I’ve pretty much lost everything else. To be honest I would rather live every day of my life walking and talking with Jesus and feeling broken, than being a cocky, 20something girl who is far from Him. Want to know the cool part, though? I don’t have to do either. This depression and solitude I’m going through right now is only temporary… and only because I asked for it!

I asked for God to make some serious changes in my life upon returning from Africa. I have asked Him to heal the brokeness from my past and make me new again. And He’s totally doing that… just not in the shiny package I had expected. He’s doing it in His way and on His own time. And let’s be honest, isn’t that probably the better route to go? I think yes. I’d rather have the Man Up Top guiding my every step, than have my anxious and uninformed self calling the shots. What a mess that is.

So. Solitude’s the main theme in my life for the next little while here whether I like it or not. Right now I don’t like it one bit, even thought it’s “what I thought I wanted.” But I have a sneaking suspiscion a year from now it will be the best decision I’ve made, not to mention all the change that will have happened within me if I let God do his thang.

My counselor told me living by myself would suck for a while. He said I’d be lonely, depressed, and that I’d cry. He told me I’d hate it, but if I wanted God’s healing in my life instead of a band-aid, I’d better hop to. He said he doesn’t really care if my life sucks for a little while because it’s better to go through it and come out changed, than to just try to cope and never experience the highs or lows. Thanks, Greg. Sometimes you’re an asshole but you’re completely right :-D.