It’s been so long since I’ve even had that nudge in my stomach to write what I’m feeling. As I think on this now, that’s probably why I’m feeling so unbalanced these days. Wobbly. Writing roots me to my Maker. It makes me feel. It rounds up all of the emotions I carry on my shoulders and puts them in front of me to be examined. To pick apart, to destroy, to nurture, to bless, to tame. When I write I find an inner balance. It’s all about honesty. I can’t help but be honest. I desire so very badly for those I meet to feel the same. Sometimes I feel like an outcast when people hold back. I can’t control other people. Sometimes I feel out of of place when I share too much. That it’s not welcomed.
I’m always thinking too far ahead. Wasting my emotions on things uncertain, things that will never come to be, things that will blow away like dust. I want so badly to be “good” and not mess up (and I HATE that, it is not about being “good” it is about keeping my eyes on Jesus). I hate that this was ingrained upon me as a child. I hate that this happens to so many people. I hate that I am going to mess up. That it WILL happen. I want to always live in the light.
I spoke for the first time in front of a church, my church, last Sunday and I couldn’t have been more filled with gratitude that God took over and just used me as a vessel. I had such a profound moment of owning the transformation He has done with my life. It truly is a beautiful illustration of what it means for the Holy Spirit to come down and transform lives. It is good for me that Jesus went up and His Spirit came down. It reminded me why I am so absolutely enraptured by Jesus. Because He has done more good in my life than I will ever or have ever done on my own.
I found my soul honestly asking God to let me continue in this race. To let me run for Him. Let my life be spent running and running and running for Him. In that moment, that was my sole desire. Nothing more, nothing less. I felt so connected to Him. So in tune with His plans. Seeing absolutely nothing as certain in the future and being 100% on board with whatever He tells me to do. To follow Him blindly.
I read my friend’s blog, who is a missionary traveling the world, I wrestle with the reality of going. If not now, then when? Will it be too late? Itch. Itchy little fears.
Am I wasting my time here? Am I getting distracted by things that will prevent me from doing God’s work? Are the little things in front of me, the things that trip me up and throw me into turmoil, are those actually part of His plan right here and now?
Step into them? Hold them at arm’s length?
Sometimes I get frustrated that I’m so very human.
Which just puts me right back at Jesus’ feet, being reminded that He is so much bigger than all of this.